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| − | I have a confession to make. I have been sick with the Arkansas crud and went to bed only to wake up around midnight with the holy heck I've forgotten to write a column sweats. Instead of writing I've been trying to get my body right after a week of feeling awful, which culminated in me collapsing into bed Friday night around 8 p.m. only to wake up the next day at noon. My body, it seemed, needed rest. So I slept, and I dreamed of feeling human again. Another thing I dreamt of was my father and one of the last times I saw him when he had the flu. He recovered, eventually, but I remember being very disconcerted by how small and weak he looked. That memory led me to another memory, which was a column I wrote about doing exactly what I'd been doing, dreaming if him. I figure, as sleep threatens to steal me away again, it might be nice to hit play on this column again as I love anything to do with my pops. Hopefully I will feel better next week and get some proper writing done. Until then ... Let s take a trip down memory lane: This past Saturday morning I saw my father. Somewhere between the sounds of my wife going about the business of feeding our cats and taking our pup out to greet the morning in our back yard, I saw him there in the space between my own awakening and the slow slide back into slumber. It was a dream, to be sure, but it was the first I ve seen of him in nearly 12 years, both in life and in dreams. After my father died in 2002 I found myself looking for him in the face of every bearded man I saw of a certain age and grayness. Here there would be one with the right walk and shape of his shoulders but the face would be that of a stranger, while another would have the same eyes and easy smile but nothing else in common with the man I searched for. It wasn t until he had been gone nearly a year that I finally saw him. Bundled up against the cold of an Oklahoma night, I dreamt that my father had come to visit me. Looking down from the second story apartment window I knew even in the middle of the dream that it was not real but the tears that fell from my eyes as I waved down to him as he stepped out of his truck they were real as my pillow was wet from the fall of them as I woke too soon.Much too soon. Page 2 of 3 - The strange was that instead of sadness or frustration or any of the things I thought I might have felt upon dreaming of this man that I missed so much, the first emotions that I felt were gratitude and love. I remember crying to myself and thanking him for visiting me because I missed him so damn much. That one dream was all that I can remember. Since then I had not dreamt of him again in the years that amazingly keep going by without him. Of course, I ve not dreamt once of my mother since she left to go join him in whatever comes beyond this life, but I think that is because I was able to tell her how much I loved her and how much she meant to me in the moments before she closed her eyes forever. The chance was never there to tell my father that and so I think that is why I still grieve him so deeply and why the wound is still so raw and unhealed. Like a stubborn child, you see, I keep picking at it. Instead of letting him go I keep holding on to the idea that if I had been a better son he might still be here or if I had been in the truck with him on that cold October morning I might have been able to take the wheel and steer him to safety. Of course I know otherwise. If nothing else these past few months and the sorrows they have contained as I found myself having to say farewell to people I had come to know and love as if they were my own family, have shown me that. Despite the fact that I was here and they were here I lost three people near and dear to me and it made no difference how near or far to me they were when they passed away. Who am I that I think I could have made a difference in my father s dying when these people had families of their own that loved them just as much as I love my father, and yet they suffer now as I did then because they could not stop what happened. Just as our the stories of our lives have a beginning they must have an ending. For the first time in forever I find myself saying those words and believing them as well as applying them to my father. After grieving for my friends and their family I found myself sitting alone and thinking of my father a few weeks ago and instead of rage or grief I felt this incredible sense of gratitude that I was a part of his story and he mine. Page 3 of 3 - Is it any wonder then that I saw him again Saturday? Though I am not sure how long the dream truly lasted my father and I were at a bookstore just before they were closing. It s OK, my dad told me. They ll let us look around. And that is what happened. In my dream I found myself wandering around with my dad in a bookstore that never seemed to end and we talked and laughed about books as we slowly gathered up too many in our arms. We would never have had enough time to read what we were gathering and I do not know how we were able to even hold so many in our arms. During the dream I do not know that I saw his face but I know I heard his voice and I cannot tell you how perfect it felt to have him walking beside me as we wandered aisle after aisle of books. For the first time in my life I felt a sense of peace about my father s death and I woke to find tears on my pillow once again. Though I do not think I have led a good enough life to ever be able to truly be in the presence of anything remotely like heaven, if it is anything near as perfect as being able to walk through that bookstore with my father for eternity as we laugh about the books we find and plan to bring home to my mother Well, you know. Thank you for putting up with an old man telling a story about a silly dream and how he woke up one morning crying for no reason on his pillow. You have no idea how much these weekly columns mean to me nor how humbled I am that even one person ever reads them. Anyhow, it s late and I have dreams to try and remember. Goodnight. [url=http://www.michaelkorsbags.name/]michael kors outlet online[/url] comments, given their own experience with gaffe-prone mayors.
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